I am forty five years old, happily married with family and friends all around. But, as long as I can remember, I've always felt like damaged goods. Until a few years ago, I never knew what was wrong with me. I just knew that something was holding me back - keeping me prisoner. But why? For what? On the one hand I wanted to know the reasons, but I was frightened and wouldn't allow myself to stay with these thoughts.

When I first remembered the abuse, funnily enough, I just felt enormous relief. Finally, there was someone, something to blame. I came to realise that it wasn't my fault. I wasn't to blame. I thought that knowing this was enough and that now I would be able to lay the ghosts to rest and live wholly in the present. But I was restless and my thoughts still constantly drifted back to my childhood and the pain came back to me as strong as ever. I desperately wanted to be more present in my life. I no longer wanted to fall to pieces every time a memory of what happened came to the surface, but the pattern came back over and over again. Just when I thought I couldn't bear it any more, that I would never ever get over it, it stopped. I had broken the pattern and was finally able to live in the present.

Copyright The Human Touch.